意識散落處｜黑白之間

KTV today. Looking through my playlist, I found these songs again.  I still think it’s a pity sometimes. But the moment I remember what happened, I don’t feel that way anymore. To someone else. Peace. Stability With you, I could talk about anything. Literally anything. I love you. Songs: The rose, 匆匆那年，像天堂的懸崖（你在點煙我看窗外沒有對白） 2017-12-17 ---- 2026（後記）被提醒的愛 後來我發現，我總能很輕易地說出「我愛你」。 有些時候，甚至是不同狀態下的我，也能自然地對剛認識的人說出相同的字句。 說的是同一句話，承載的意思卻不一定相同。 我喜歡表達這些話 是因為我健忘。 如果沒有反覆提醒、反覆表達，我很快就感覺不到它的存在。 我曾經對人說過，如果沒有每天告訴我，你喜不喜歡我、愛不愛我，我就不知道了。 很奇怪，我不是一直在確認你是不是愛我。我真正需要的，好像不是愛，而是不斷被提醒，那份愛還在。而我向人表達也是因為想讓對方知道，我今天有喜歡他。 至於這和我的意識狀態或內在世界有沒有關係，我至今還沒有答案。 我只知道，至少對我而言，情感不像一條持續流動的河流，它更像是一段一段，需要重新連接的記憶。

Depression. BCCT workshop just finished. Lot of people. Just me now 空虛感很大 晃來晃去 覺得自己又是多餘的 可笑的憂鬱 也有可能是以為別人真的會迎接我去他們晚上的活動吧 單純地記下來 好可悲 又回到小時候 每每這樣我都會在想是不是要引誘我的瘋狂出現  所以剛剛想去喝酒 一個人縮角落 默默期待有人發現我 想哭 我的紅髮也很可笑 I know I can induce that side out. Should I? But I can’t maintain nor control that state. Either I trigger it myself, or something else will. I want to disappear…

Supposedly, today was supposed to be a good day. I visited the Mandarin Oriental to see the ballroom. Magnificent… yet somehow distant. I just knew that Simon’s dad passed away last week. Had dinner with Grandma, Mom, and auntie Paid a deposit today. Someone stopped by and brought Mom and me a small gift. I almost cried. When I saw that face, I kept thinking… One day, that person will leave my life completely. I cried all the way home. I don’t know whether it was because of friend’s dad, or because of.. I miss that feeling. Not in that way. More like grief. Grieving the loss of a friend. I wanted to share what has been happening in my life… But how? My mind drifted back to the days when everything still felt possible. The future we once imagined. You seem so gentle now. What happened that brought us to such a heartbreaking ending? How did we end up hurting each other so deeply? I rushed to my bed, wanting to reach out to someone. Then I thought you were probably asleep…So I let the tho...